Back

I am back at the hospital. Well, not actually. I am here mainly to get more section 17 leave and a blood test and then my medication.

I was told to come back before 12 so the blood samples could go by courier to the correct lab. It's now 2 pm and I have only just had the bloods taken. Which means I have to wait even longer for the pharmacy to dispense my medication (there are tight rules around clozapine).

The blood test was horrible. I have no idea why I have suddenly developed a phobia of blood tests when I had them every week for 19 weeks last year. The doctor poked around the back of my hand with a needle and hardly any blood came at first. It was very painful. I don't know how I am going to manage this in the future.

So here I am waiting for my clozapine and I'm bored to tears. Like, literally bored to tears. I feel horrible. All I want to do is cry. I can't cope feeling like this. I just need my medication so I can go home.

Is it really that difficult?

I forgot to post yesterday.  At least I thought that I had forgotten.  In fact, typing this, I really can't remember much of what happened yesterday.  I have just consulted with the bf and apparently we didn't do much worth shouting home about.

So, on to today.  I woke up and as usual I went back to sleep because of the Clozapine.  Eventually I 're-woke'-up at about 10:30am.  The bf's parents came over to give me birthday cards/presents etc, and we also went out to lunch.  Nothing special, just the Harvester.  But if you're like me and love going to the Harvester then its pretty Yippee-Ki-Yay.

While I was eating my dinner, it quickly became evident that after almost 4 weeks of measly hospital food portions, my stomach had shrunk somewhat.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I boiled some eggs earlier and made egg mayonnaise.  I'm going to have it in a bagel tomorrow.

Now I'm technically out of the hospital, I am going to need to find things to do with my time. If the weather is ok, I will aim to go to the local shops by the railway station.

I'm really not looking forward to travelling back to Worthing just for a blood test.  Unhappy face.

FREEDOM!

It's my first day out of that flippin' hospital.  I get to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  So yay for me.

It is my birthday today, for those who don't know, so i had a stack full of cards to open this morning.  They were lovely cards with lovely messages, some kind people had sent me some money or vouchers and a very nice person sent me a copy of their newly-printed-and-published book.  This book is so brilliant i can't wait to show it off tonight (more on that later).  I got a special card from the bf saying "happy birthday to my fiancee" which came with the realisation that the next card will feature the word 'wife'.  With that came seasons 3 and 4 of Fringe on DVD as well as a cute knitted cat.  But the best part was a personalised case for my iPhone 5 (cases are hard to get hold of around here) featuring all the things I love such as the animals, the bf and my Mum.

I met the bf in town to go for a coffee and while we were there I got another micro dermal implant to match the one in my neck.  I have this crazy idea that I could get the jewellery to make it look like i have a screw through my neck.  Sounds wacky but could be cool.

The visit into town had to be cut short because of the side effects of the Clozapine.  It makes me so dizzy sometimes that I feel I need to lie down in case I faint.

Tonight, I have decided to go to Taekwondo.  I haven't been for 5 months, but I am allowed to go back with my red belt.  This book I previously mentioned goes into depths about the colour belt patterns and gives a new level to understanding why each pattern does what.  I know it will definitely help me with my theory.  If anyone is interested, it is called 'The Time Travelling Taekwondo Tour Bus and Other Stories'.  I'm taking it tonight.

An interesting thought to end this post is that for the past 3 years, I have done Taekwondo on my birthday.

Travel Warrant

Today is the day I go on leave... Until Tuesday. The staff were keen to get me out of my room so they can put someone else in it. I don't have a problem with it.

I ended up sitting in the "social circle" (basically a circle of chairs in the middle of the ward). It felt very strange though, sitting with all my bags waiting for travel arrangements. In fact, you could have probably tricked me into thinking I was in an airport departure lounge.

I've been given a free train ticket from the hospital. They even paid for a taxi to the station for me. Actually, I think it was right that they forked out the cash for it because I am out if area.

My train is about to leave for home. I love trains. They're exciting knowing that I'll be off on an adventure.

Some very promising news...

It looks like I am going to be going in overnight leave tomorrow (Thursday) until Monday. How good is that?! The hospital are even going to fork out the train fare from here to home. Is it too cheeky for the taxi too?

I have the keys to let myself in so I won't be stuck outside in whatever weather decides to follow me home.

I have so many ideas as to what I am going to do at home. I am really excited. Not just to get out if this place but also to just get on with my life.

My life is about to enter a very significant stage: marriage. I always used to say to myself on each New Years Eve "this year will be my best year yet". I even said it at the start of this year. Now, I have realised that each year doesn't have to start on January 1st (look at the Chinese New Year for example). This "new year" will start the moment I turn 24, which will probably happen while I am not confined to this hospital.

So, 24 will be my best year yet!

Reminiscing and that feeling that you're almost there.

I took 125mg clozapine tonight. Then tomorrow it will be 2 lots of 125mg and then Thursday is the last day of the original titration. I thought I would look back at what, in my mind, sounds worse than it actually is.

I think my bad experience in eastbourne hospital being titrated too quickly (and consequently feeling very ill) sort of made me more anxious about starting on it again. But these last 13 days have been ok and have passed without much thought.

Earlier on (during this admission), I felt restless. I just wanted to go home and didn't really care for clozapine. In fact I even begged to come off the clozapine so I could go home. I'm so glad I stayed. Not that I had much choice being detained and all, but I could have refused the tablets.

I'm not at 100% but I'm getting there no think that the best place for me now is to be at home getting ready for the wedding and basically the rest of my life. I hope I am released soon because I feel that the remaining dose adjustments can be done in the community.

The bf has written a letter to the hospital managers requesting my discharge. They then have 72 hours to do that. Unless the psychiatrist doesn't agree and blocks it. But I don't see how they can because I'm not a danger to myself or others and I am willing to take medicine.


But wow, this titration has gone fast

Warning TMI: The Butt Bullet

If you are eating your dinner, this might not be the post for you to read right now. I'll excuse you from today's entry. Or maybe you are into this sort of thing??

As I have blogged previously, I am very constipated: I've been once in the last 14 days. Now we have come to the last resort, what I will now refer to as the "Butt Bullet". Basically it's a suppository if glycerol which is supposed to make you, well, you know...

I have been told I should take it in 20 minutes and the only advice I've been given is to "stay near the toilet". Great :-/