Back

I am back at the hospital. Well, not actually. I am here mainly to get more section 17 leave and a blood test and then my medication.

I was told to come back before 12 so the blood samples could go by courier to the correct lab. It's now 2 pm and I have only just had the bloods taken. Which means I have to wait even longer for the pharmacy to dispense my medication (there are tight rules around clozapine).

The blood test was horrible. I have no idea why I have suddenly developed a phobia of blood tests when I had them every week for 19 weeks last year. The doctor poked around the back of my hand with a needle and hardly any blood came at first. It was very painful. I don't know how I am going to manage this in the future.

So here I am waiting for my clozapine and I'm bored to tears. Like, literally bored to tears. I feel horrible. All I want to do is cry. I can't cope feeling like this. I just need my medication so I can go home.

Is it really that difficult?

I forgot to post yesterday.  At least I thought that I had forgotten.  In fact, typing this, I really can't remember much of what happened yesterday.  I have just consulted with the bf and apparently we didn't do much worth shouting home about.

So, on to today.  I woke up and as usual I went back to sleep because of the Clozapine.  Eventually I 're-woke'-up at about 10:30am.  The bf's parents came over to give me birthday cards/presents etc, and we also went out to lunch.  Nothing special, just the Harvester.  But if you're like me and love going to the Harvester then its pretty Yippee-Ki-Yay.

While I was eating my dinner, it quickly became evident that after almost 4 weeks of measly hospital food portions, my stomach had shrunk somewhat.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I boiled some eggs earlier and made egg mayonnaise.  I'm going to have it in a bagel tomorrow.

Now I'm technically out of the hospital, I am going to need to find things to do with my time. If the weather is ok, I will aim to go to the local shops by the railway station.

I'm really not looking forward to travelling back to Worthing just for a blood test.  Unhappy face.

FREEDOM!

It's my first day out of that flippin' hospital.  I get to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  So yay for me.

It is my birthday today, for those who don't know, so i had a stack full of cards to open this morning.  They were lovely cards with lovely messages, some kind people had sent me some money or vouchers and a very nice person sent me a copy of their newly-printed-and-published book.  This book is so brilliant i can't wait to show it off tonight (more on that later).  I got a special card from the bf saying "happy birthday to my fiancee" which came with the realisation that the next card will feature the word 'wife'.  With that came seasons 3 and 4 of Fringe on DVD as well as a cute knitted cat.  But the best part was a personalised case for my iPhone 5 (cases are hard to get hold of around here) featuring all the things I love such as the animals, the bf and my Mum.

I met the bf in town to go for a coffee and while we were there I got another micro dermal implant to match the one in my neck.  I have this crazy idea that I could get the jewellery to make it look like i have a screw through my neck.  Sounds wacky but could be cool.

The visit into town had to be cut short because of the side effects of the Clozapine.  It makes me so dizzy sometimes that I feel I need to lie down in case I faint.

Tonight, I have decided to go to Taekwondo.  I haven't been for 5 months, but I am allowed to go back with my red belt.  This book I previously mentioned goes into depths about the colour belt patterns and gives a new level to understanding why each pattern does what.  I know it will definitely help me with my theory.  If anyone is interested, it is called 'The Time Travelling Taekwondo Tour Bus and Other Stories'.  I'm taking it tonight.

An interesting thought to end this post is that for the past 3 years, I have done Taekwondo on my birthday.

Travel Warrant

Today is the day I go on leave... Until Tuesday. The staff were keen to get me out of my room so they can put someone else in it. I don't have a problem with it.

I ended up sitting in the "social circle" (basically a circle of chairs in the middle of the ward). It felt very strange though, sitting with all my bags waiting for travel arrangements. In fact, you could have probably tricked me into thinking I was in an airport departure lounge.

I've been given a free train ticket from the hospital. They even paid for a taxi to the station for me. Actually, I think it was right that they forked out the cash for it because I am out if area.

My train is about to leave for home. I love trains. They're exciting knowing that I'll be off on an adventure.

Some very promising news...

It looks like I am going to be going in overnight leave tomorrow (Thursday) until Monday. How good is that?! The hospital are even going to fork out the train fare from here to home. Is it too cheeky for the taxi too?

I have the keys to let myself in so I won't be stuck outside in whatever weather decides to follow me home.

I have so many ideas as to what I am going to do at home. I am really excited. Not just to get out if this place but also to just get on with my life.

My life is about to enter a very significant stage: marriage. I always used to say to myself on each New Years Eve "this year will be my best year yet". I even said it at the start of this year. Now, I have realised that each year doesn't have to start on January 1st (look at the Chinese New Year for example). This "new year" will start the moment I turn 24, which will probably happen while I am not confined to this hospital.

So, 24 will be my best year yet!

Reminiscing and that feeling that you're almost there.

I took 125mg clozapine tonight. Then tomorrow it will be 2 lots of 125mg and then Thursday is the last day of the original titration. I thought I would look back at what, in my mind, sounds worse than it actually is.

I think my bad experience in eastbourne hospital being titrated too quickly (and consequently feeling very ill) sort of made me more anxious about starting on it again. But these last 13 days have been ok and have passed without much thought.

Earlier on (during this admission), I felt restless. I just wanted to go home and didn't really care for clozapine. In fact I even begged to come off the clozapine so I could go home. I'm so glad I stayed. Not that I had much choice being detained and all, but I could have refused the tablets.

I'm not at 100% but I'm getting there no think that the best place for me now is to be at home getting ready for the wedding and basically the rest of my life. I hope I am released soon because I feel that the remaining dose adjustments can be done in the community.

The bf has written a letter to the hospital managers requesting my discharge. They then have 72 hours to do that. Unless the psychiatrist doesn't agree and blocks it. But I don't see how they can because I'm not a danger to myself or others and I am willing to take medicine.


But wow, this titration has gone fast

Warning TMI: The Butt Bullet

If you are eating your dinner, this might not be the post for you to read right now. I'll excuse you from today's entry. Or maybe you are into this sort of thing??

As I have blogged previously, I am very constipated: I've been once in the last 14 days. Now we have come to the last resort, what I will now refer to as the "Butt Bullet". Basically it's a suppository if glycerol which is supposed to make you, well, you know...

I have been told I should take it in 20 minutes and the only advice I've been given is to "stay near the toilet". Great :-/

Trials and Temptations

I SO want to order a takeaway (excuse my bad grammar). I'm not even hungry it's just clozapine brain syndrome tricking. That's a condition I just made on the spot. It is closely related to clozapine coma as well as "stumbling around because clozapine is very sedating".
I'm not going to order one, I'd be scared that once I cross that boundary I'd be doing it more often than I should. At the moment I'm settled on three meals a day. And the odd pack of skittles or haribo just as a treat. I have an appointment to see a dietician but that isn't until July.

I am still flipping constipated though. I've been prescribed new laxatives. And I've been told that if they don't work in the next three or so days then I will have to have a suppository. Which sounds like a picnic. Oh god I really hope it doesn't come to that.

I am finding it incredible annoying and somehow ironic that I am wide awake now just as it is time for my next dose of clozapine.

Super-Tired-Alice

Out of the past 24 hours, I have slept for eighteen. And I could quite easily go back to sleep right now. Damn that clozapine. I really hope the sedation wears off sometime soon.

I think it's starting to work a little. I don't feel as scared. I'm currently on 200mg a day. The initial titration period ends on Thursday night. By then I'll be on 250mg a day.

And probably asleep too.

Yet another "waiting for meds" post, this time with bunnies

As the title suggests, I am waiting for meds. It is currently 8:15 pm and meds has just been pushed back from 9:00pm to 10:00pm. I don't feel great at the moment, haven't been great for a long time. I asked if I could talk to someone and have been told to wait. I asked at 7:00pm. I think I'll be waiting a long time too because, once again, they are short staffed. There are three nurses for 18 patients.

At least I'm cosy in my new bunny onesie that I got from Tesco.

But, seriously, the point of this evenings post: my confusion as to what the staff think of me. And not in the "oh she's pretty" or "oh she has a nice onesie". I want to know if they think I'm ok or not. Because I know the answer from my perspective but I don't know if the picture on their jigsaw puzzle matched the image on my box.
Most of the time I keep myself to myself, stay in my room. I only really talk to the staff to have my phone charged or if I need to go to the shop. That's all they see of me. So how can they know what's going on with me?
The nurse in charge today told me as soon as my clozapine is titrated I'll be discharged. Like, just like that. Regardless of how I feel.
What do I think the reason is? It's the "personality disorder" tag line.

I was diagnosed as having a personality disorder when I was seventeen but as time has gone on, I fit the "diagnostic criteria" less and less. And for those who have a true personality disorder, it is there all the time. Whereas with me, I only fit some of the criteria when I'm very distressed. But that doesn't matter to the staff in psychiatric hospitals, for them, personality disorder=lowlife scum and they can't see past this.

My usual psychiatrist acknowledges that I do sometimes fit the criteria for a personality disorder. But that the schizoaffective part is more prominent. A lot of the behaviours that led to the PD (can't be bothered to keep typing personality disorder) I am sure were due to the fact that I was still maturing.

To the staff at this hospital, I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't hear voices. I do not get paranoid. I am just emotionally unstable (even though my mood has been stable since I've been here).

So I suffer in silence, voices, paranoia all overwhelming me. No-one knows. No-one cares. And unless something changes, this is how I'll stay. I can't change their attitudes towards me.

And, for the record, I'm still waiting.

Help.

Pavlov's Clozapine

First of all, I'm bloody knackered and over sedated but that's been the story for a few days so I won't bother going into much detail on that.

I have found a new side effect: hypersalivation. In other words, I dribble too much. All I need to do is rock back and forth in my chair and hey presto- I'm your stereotypical mental patient. I woke up this morning in a wet patch on the pillow. It was all gross. Apparently there are medications that can help with this but as it's almost five o'clock on Saturday evening, a doctor is unlikely to want to come over here just for something that small.

In terms of the clozapine, having been on it for 9 days now, I have lost the fear that the tablets are fake. Mainly because of the side effects and especially the sedation. At least they aren't doing what they did in eastbourne (titrated it too fast). I just hope the sedation becomes easier to manage.

The voices are still ever present, not much has changed there. I feel a little calmer in myself but that's probably because I'm so tired that I can barely pick my feet up.

I got involved in some extortion earlier.
A) the garage does not sell Pepsi max.
B) it does sell coke zero
C) it's £3 a bottle. Extortionate.

That post I promised.

I have decided to create this post to document where I am now. Mainly for two reasons: to look back on in the future and to give my readers some insight into what my life is like. So here goes.

I am Alice. My birthday is a week today. I am in my twenties.
I'm currently in a psychiatric hospital being titrated on to an antipsychotic called Clozapine. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder.
I am getting married in 21 days to a man I am very lucky to be with.
At this moment, I am very determined to make a success of my life.
I am trying to lose weight and be healthy but Clozapine is well know for weight gain.
I have recently discovered that I am good at art. I have bought a sketchbook to pursue this.
I am trying to study mathematics a level in preparation for my degree starting in October but its hard to concentrate.
My favourite tv shows are fringe, the Big Bang theory and dark matters. I love science.
I am currently psychologically addicted to fizzy drinks. If I stopped, nothing would happen but I rely on them for comfort.
I am detained under section 3 of the mental health act 1983.
I started doing Pilates four days ago in an effort to improve my posture. I also use my agreed leave to go for walks.
I love cooking things from scratch including authentic risotto, sweet chilli pork balls, macaroni cheese, red velvet cake and Cadbury Crunchie ice cream.

I hear voices, I can't trust my own thoughts.
I believe people want to hurt me, people put thoughts into my head. This has been going on since I was sixteen.
I try my best to distract myself but everything overwhelms me at times. I am constantly scared and don't trust anyone I don't know.

Thank you for reading. And to my future self, this is where you were at. Now see how far you've come.

Hallelujah! And fuzz-free armpits

I have just got back from a walk down the hill. While I was there I got my armpits waxed. Not sure you need to know this? Skip ahead to paragraph 2. I was dreading it because the last time any wax made it to within close proximity of my armpits it was so horrific I bled. I was in the PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit- secure) and I wasn't allowed a razor. My BFF brought some of those home wax strips and as I said before, it was horrific. My friend still feels bad for that. In the end I had one hairy armpit and another that had a hairless streak through it. This time, however, I had it done professionally and it was so much better than I thought it would be. It was more expensive than going to soul to sole in hampden park. But I have to make the most of what I've got around me.

Welcome back to those who skipped paragraph one! When I got back from my walk up the hill, I got back onto the ward to find one of the peer support workers strumming the guitar to the tune of hallelujah. Now, that doesn't sound very significant, but listen on.... I listen to music about 99% of the time and it just so happened that at the precise moment if getting back onto the ward, I had hallelujah (the shrek soundtrack version) on shuffle. In short, it freaked me out to the extent that I had to take some olanzepine because its hard to fight the thoughts that it wasn't just a coincidence. I am 75% sure that it's a secret message for me. It just seems too improbable that it was merely a coincidental event and seems more like the voices asserting themselves by suggesting that they are watching me.

The bf is coming later. I wish I had purchased a gift for him while I was at the shops but there was nothing suitable. I could have bought him some cookies but there is no way I could be trusted alone with them for the next 2 1/2 hours. Not in conjunction with the clozapine munchies. I have three hours unaccompanied section 17 leave that I can use tomorrow with the bf. I have no idea what we can do in that time because I don't really know this area very well. I know for sure we can't go to the pub due to the extortionate prices - £4.60 for a white coffee and a tea. And you should have seen how tiny they were.

I think I'm going to make a "benchmark post" later just so all my lovely readers can get a look at where I'm at in myself and it will also be there for me to look back on in the future to see how far I've come.

The key to being on clozapine...

...and staying awake. What the hell is it? The answer eludes me.

Last night, the voices were really bad and I couldn't sleep despite taking several sedatives as well a my night time dose of clozapine (still at 50mg). I finally got to sleep at about 3.

When I was woken up for breakfast I was incredibly hungover. If you've ever taken sedatives or sleeping tablets at night then I think you'll be aware of how groggy you feel in the morning. In fact, I was so sleepy and fizzy that I had to leave some if my muesli and go back to bed. When I finally did get my pre-clozapine observations done, my blood pressure was about 100/60. So quite low for me.

Anyway, I decided, because I was so sleepy that I would set an alarm to wake me up after an hours' nap. Damn that snooze button. I finally rolled out of bed to get dressed just in time for lunch. And guess what I did after lunch? Went back to my bed and fell asleep until half 2.

Since then I haven't really woken up despite drinking copious amounts if caffeinated fizzy drinks (all the coffee is decaf here- unhappy face). I did manage to stumble down to the shops down the hill for my hour. I bought shed loads of magazines. Ok, well only four. I also booked an armpit wax which I'm doing tomorrow at 3.

My plan now is: way more dr pepper zero then attempt some Pilates.

That's all for now.

Feelin' blue nails

I've had a wonderful day. Not only did I get my unaccompanied leave but my best friend (chief bridesmaid) came and stayed from about half two until seven.

She is doing the alterations on my wedding dress. At the moment it is way too long and ill trip over it but its being sorted. And I got to try it on. I started from the corner of my room and advanced towards the door to a sound clip of "here comes the bride" on my BFFs phone. It really hit home how close we are.

And I still don't even know if I'll even make the day. I had a very frustrating ward round where they basically said my mental health is more important than the wedding in 22 days. And that if things don't go well, I'll miss it. I can't miss it. We stand to lose a lot of money if we have to cancel. I'm hoping everything will be ok.

Oh and I managed to swing some leave with my BFF down to the co-op. By claiming she was "my sister for the purpose of the mental health act." So exercise wise I've walked for about an hour.

I didn't get long with the bf today. Maybe it was better because it means I don't feel so bad seeing him go. We are going to video chat later. His next visit is Friday.

I painted my nails blue... Just felt like it.

The dawn of the unaccompanied leave era

So as the title suggests, I have been given unaccompanied leave. I have used it to go to the supermarket down the road where I discovered a great thing:

Pepsi max, usually £2.25 a bottle, now on offer for 2 for £2.

Simple things.

Some Pre-dinner disappointments

After yesterday's Pilates, I really wanted to carry on my exercise today. Even if it was just a walk down the hill and back up.

No staff.

Apparently the charge nurse asked the consultant if I could have unaccompanied leave to go there. No one has got back to me and seeing as it is now quarter past five, I imagine I'm not going anywhere right now.

I have my ward round tomorrow anyway so I can add leave to my long list of things I need to bring to the table.

Seeing as I can't go for a walk tonight, I will try another Pilates workout at about 7 tonight. That should leave long enough for my dinner to settle. I am so hungry.

It could be worse. I managed to get a prescription for lactulose (sp?) so hopefully it will work and everything wil be ok.

Like a kick to the stomach

Ermahgerd ther penn! (Read: oh my god the pain- I've spent way too much time around the interwebs). And I'm sorry if I'm revealing too much here but I haven't done a dookie for at least 5 days. And it hurts. It is pretty much 100% down to the combined effects of clozapine and mirtazapine. And it hurts. And I've been taking 2 of these foul-tasting salty laxatives drinks (laxido for anyone whose interested) TWICE a day for the last five days. These laxidos are supposedly "orange flavoured sugar free" but taste like that iffy gulp of seawater you take as you swim past Brighton pier two seconds after you've seen a dirty nappy float by. Yes I know someone that's happened to.

There was a bit of an incident regarding medication today. All I really want is to go home. Partly because of the bf. I love his visits but it breaks my heart to see him leave without me. I am devastated to know that he has to go. I totally understand that he can only stay for so long, so often it just hurts.

But, I deviate. I asked the nurses when I could go home and they said not until I've titrated completely onto clozapine. Which is another ten days. I decided that maybe if I stopped clozapine they would let me home sooner as I'm not a risk anymore. After all, it's effects at the moment are limited to extreme constipation, mega munchies and hypersalivation. As of now I have yet to experience much "antipsychotic" effect.

So, anyway, I told the nurse I didn't want to take it anymore. I was quite distressed so I was offered olanzepine in addition to my mirtazapine. I went to my room for half an hour during which time I cried my eyes out. All I want is some relief. Some time where I can just feel safe, normal (whatever that is) and calm. No voices, no strange experiences. Historically the only medication to achieve some progress towards these goals is the clozapine.

Once my cheeks were covered in salty tear residue and the urge to cry had passed, I went back to the clinic for some laxido. And some paracetamol because of the abdominal pain. The nurse convinced me to take the clozapine and I have done. If it makes the difference between staying up all night terrorised by my experiences or a little relief of the unconscious kind then maybe it's a good thing.

I must apologise now for the length of this blog post. It was never intended to be this long but once I got into it, the words just flowed. I feel like I have achieved something in this post, even if it is just the realisation that maybe, just maybe, I need this medication.

Muesli and Pilates...

This is not an April fools' joke! Be on standby for the incredible.

Incredible that I didn't jump straight back into bed following my clozapine.

Incredible that I had a healthy breakfast.

Incredible that, after downloading a book on Pilates to my kindle app last night, I completed a 30 minute workout.

It will definitely be incredible if I can move at all tomorrow.