Back

I am back at the hospital. Well, not actually. I am here mainly to get more section 17 leave and a blood test and then my medication.

I was told to come back before 12 so the blood samples could go by courier to the correct lab. It's now 2 pm and I have only just had the bloods taken. Which means I have to wait even longer for the pharmacy to dispense my medication (there are tight rules around clozapine).

The blood test was horrible. I have no idea why I have suddenly developed a phobia of blood tests when I had them every week for 19 weeks last year. The doctor poked around the back of my hand with a needle and hardly any blood came at first. It was very painful. I don't know how I am going to manage this in the future.

So here I am waiting for my clozapine and I'm bored to tears. Like, literally bored to tears. I feel horrible. All I want to do is cry. I can't cope feeling like this. I just need my medication so I can go home.

Is it really that difficult?

I forgot to post yesterday.  At least I thought that I had forgotten.  In fact, typing this, I really can't remember much of what happened yesterday.  I have just consulted with the bf and apparently we didn't do much worth shouting home about.

So, on to today.  I woke up and as usual I went back to sleep because of the Clozapine.  Eventually I 're-woke'-up at about 10:30am.  The bf's parents came over to give me birthday cards/presents etc, and we also went out to lunch.  Nothing special, just the Harvester.  But if you're like me and love going to the Harvester then its pretty Yippee-Ki-Yay.

While I was eating my dinner, it quickly became evident that after almost 4 weeks of measly hospital food portions, my stomach had shrunk somewhat.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I boiled some eggs earlier and made egg mayonnaise.  I'm going to have it in a bagel tomorrow.

Now I'm technically out of the hospital, I am going to need to find things to do with my time. If the weather is ok, I will aim to go to the local shops by the railway station.

I'm really not looking forward to travelling back to Worthing just for a blood test.  Unhappy face.

FREEDOM!

It's my first day out of that flippin' hospital.  I get to decide what I want to do and when I want to do it.  So yay for me.

It is my birthday today, for those who don't know, so i had a stack full of cards to open this morning.  They were lovely cards with lovely messages, some kind people had sent me some money or vouchers and a very nice person sent me a copy of their newly-printed-and-published book.  This book is so brilliant i can't wait to show it off tonight (more on that later).  I got a special card from the bf saying "happy birthday to my fiancee" which came with the realisation that the next card will feature the word 'wife'.  With that came seasons 3 and 4 of Fringe on DVD as well as a cute knitted cat.  But the best part was a personalised case for my iPhone 5 (cases are hard to get hold of around here) featuring all the things I love such as the animals, the bf and my Mum.

I met the bf in town to go for a coffee and while we were there I got another micro dermal implant to match the one in my neck.  I have this crazy idea that I could get the jewellery to make it look like i have a screw through my neck.  Sounds wacky but could be cool.

The visit into town had to be cut short because of the side effects of the Clozapine.  It makes me so dizzy sometimes that I feel I need to lie down in case I faint.

Tonight, I have decided to go to Taekwondo.  I haven't been for 5 months, but I am allowed to go back with my red belt.  This book I previously mentioned goes into depths about the colour belt patterns and gives a new level to understanding why each pattern does what.  I know it will definitely help me with my theory.  If anyone is interested, it is called 'The Time Travelling Taekwondo Tour Bus and Other Stories'.  I'm taking it tonight.

An interesting thought to end this post is that for the past 3 years, I have done Taekwondo on my birthday.

Travel Warrant

Today is the day I go on leave... Until Tuesday. The staff were keen to get me out of my room so they can put someone else in it. I don't have a problem with it.

I ended up sitting in the "social circle" (basically a circle of chairs in the middle of the ward). It felt very strange though, sitting with all my bags waiting for travel arrangements. In fact, you could have probably tricked me into thinking I was in an airport departure lounge.

I've been given a free train ticket from the hospital. They even paid for a taxi to the station for me. Actually, I think it was right that they forked out the cash for it because I am out if area.

My train is about to leave for home. I love trains. They're exciting knowing that I'll be off on an adventure.

Some very promising news...

It looks like I am going to be going in overnight leave tomorrow (Thursday) until Monday. How good is that?! The hospital are even going to fork out the train fare from here to home. Is it too cheeky for the taxi too?

I have the keys to let myself in so I won't be stuck outside in whatever weather decides to follow me home.

I have so many ideas as to what I am going to do at home. I am really excited. Not just to get out if this place but also to just get on with my life.

My life is about to enter a very significant stage: marriage. I always used to say to myself on each New Years Eve "this year will be my best year yet". I even said it at the start of this year. Now, I have realised that each year doesn't have to start on January 1st (look at the Chinese New Year for example). This "new year" will start the moment I turn 24, which will probably happen while I am not confined to this hospital.

So, 24 will be my best year yet!

Reminiscing and that feeling that you're almost there.

I took 125mg clozapine tonight. Then tomorrow it will be 2 lots of 125mg and then Thursday is the last day of the original titration. I thought I would look back at what, in my mind, sounds worse than it actually is.

I think my bad experience in eastbourne hospital being titrated too quickly (and consequently feeling very ill) sort of made me more anxious about starting on it again. But these last 13 days have been ok and have passed without much thought.

Earlier on (during this admission), I felt restless. I just wanted to go home and didn't really care for clozapine. In fact I even begged to come off the clozapine so I could go home. I'm so glad I stayed. Not that I had much choice being detained and all, but I could have refused the tablets.

I'm not at 100% but I'm getting there no think that the best place for me now is to be at home getting ready for the wedding and basically the rest of my life. I hope I am released soon because I feel that the remaining dose adjustments can be done in the community.

The bf has written a letter to the hospital managers requesting my discharge. They then have 72 hours to do that. Unless the psychiatrist doesn't agree and blocks it. But I don't see how they can because I'm not a danger to myself or others and I am willing to take medicine.


But wow, this titration has gone fast

Warning TMI: The Butt Bullet

If you are eating your dinner, this might not be the post for you to read right now. I'll excuse you from today's entry. Or maybe you are into this sort of thing??

As I have blogged previously, I am very constipated: I've been once in the last 14 days. Now we have come to the last resort, what I will now refer to as the "Butt Bullet". Basically it's a suppository if glycerol which is supposed to make you, well, you know...

I have been told I should take it in 20 minutes and the only advice I've been given is to "stay near the toilet". Great :-/

Trials and Temptations

I SO want to order a takeaway (excuse my bad grammar). I'm not even hungry it's just clozapine brain syndrome tricking. That's a condition I just made on the spot. It is closely related to clozapine coma as well as "stumbling around because clozapine is very sedating".
I'm not going to order one, I'd be scared that once I cross that boundary I'd be doing it more often than I should. At the moment I'm settled on three meals a day. And the odd pack of skittles or haribo just as a treat. I have an appointment to see a dietician but that isn't until July.

I am still flipping constipated though. I've been prescribed new laxatives. And I've been told that if they don't work in the next three or so days then I will have to have a suppository. Which sounds like a picnic. Oh god I really hope it doesn't come to that.

I am finding it incredible annoying and somehow ironic that I am wide awake now just as it is time for my next dose of clozapine.

Super-Tired-Alice

Out of the past 24 hours, I have slept for eighteen. And I could quite easily go back to sleep right now. Damn that clozapine. I really hope the sedation wears off sometime soon.

I think it's starting to work a little. I don't feel as scared. I'm currently on 200mg a day. The initial titration period ends on Thursday night. By then I'll be on 250mg a day.

And probably asleep too.

Yet another "waiting for meds" post, this time with bunnies

As the title suggests, I am waiting for meds. It is currently 8:15 pm and meds has just been pushed back from 9:00pm to 10:00pm. I don't feel great at the moment, haven't been great for a long time. I asked if I could talk to someone and have been told to wait. I asked at 7:00pm. I think I'll be waiting a long time too because, once again, they are short staffed. There are three nurses for 18 patients.

At least I'm cosy in my new bunny onesie that I got from Tesco.

But, seriously, the point of this evenings post: my confusion as to what the staff think of me. And not in the "oh she's pretty" or "oh she has a nice onesie". I want to know if they think I'm ok or not. Because I know the answer from my perspective but I don't know if the picture on their jigsaw puzzle matched the image on my box.
Most of the time I keep myself to myself, stay in my room. I only really talk to the staff to have my phone charged or if I need to go to the shop. That's all they see of me. So how can they know what's going on with me?
The nurse in charge today told me as soon as my clozapine is titrated I'll be discharged. Like, just like that. Regardless of how I feel.
What do I think the reason is? It's the "personality disorder" tag line.

I was diagnosed as having a personality disorder when I was seventeen but as time has gone on, I fit the "diagnostic criteria" less and less. And for those who have a true personality disorder, it is there all the time. Whereas with me, I only fit some of the criteria when I'm very distressed. But that doesn't matter to the staff in psychiatric hospitals, for them, personality disorder=lowlife scum and they can't see past this.

My usual psychiatrist acknowledges that I do sometimes fit the criteria for a personality disorder. But that the schizoaffective part is more prominent. A lot of the behaviours that led to the PD (can't be bothered to keep typing personality disorder) I am sure were due to the fact that I was still maturing.

To the staff at this hospital, I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't hear voices. I do not get paranoid. I am just emotionally unstable (even though my mood has been stable since I've been here).

So I suffer in silence, voices, paranoia all overwhelming me. No-one knows. No-one cares. And unless something changes, this is how I'll stay. I can't change their attitudes towards me.

And, for the record, I'm still waiting.

Help.

Pavlov's Clozapine

First of all, I'm bloody knackered and over sedated but that's been the story for a few days so I won't bother going into much detail on that.

I have found a new side effect: hypersalivation. In other words, I dribble too much. All I need to do is rock back and forth in my chair and hey presto- I'm your stereotypical mental patient. I woke up this morning in a wet patch on the pillow. It was all gross. Apparently there are medications that can help with this but as it's almost five o'clock on Saturday evening, a doctor is unlikely to want to come over here just for something that small.

In terms of the clozapine, having been on it for 9 days now, I have lost the fear that the tablets are fake. Mainly because of the side effects and especially the sedation. At least they aren't doing what they did in eastbourne (titrated it too fast). I just hope the sedation becomes easier to manage.

The voices are still ever present, not much has changed there. I feel a little calmer in myself but that's probably because I'm so tired that I can barely pick my feet up.

I got involved in some extortion earlier.
A) the garage does not sell Pepsi max.
B) it does sell coke zero
C) it's £3 a bottle. Extortionate.

That post I promised.

I have decided to create this post to document where I am now. Mainly for two reasons: to look back on in the future and to give my readers some insight into what my life is like. So here goes.

I am Alice. My birthday is a week today. I am in my twenties.
I'm currently in a psychiatric hospital being titrated on to an antipsychotic called Clozapine. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder.
I am getting married in 21 days to a man I am very lucky to be with.
At this moment, I am very determined to make a success of my life.
I am trying to lose weight and be healthy but Clozapine is well know for weight gain.
I have recently discovered that I am good at art. I have bought a sketchbook to pursue this.
I am trying to study mathematics a level in preparation for my degree starting in October but its hard to concentrate.
My favourite tv shows are fringe, the Big Bang theory and dark matters. I love science.
I am currently psychologically addicted to fizzy drinks. If I stopped, nothing would happen but I rely on them for comfort.
I am detained under section 3 of the mental health act 1983.
I started doing Pilates four days ago in an effort to improve my posture. I also use my agreed leave to go for walks.
I love cooking things from scratch including authentic risotto, sweet chilli pork balls, macaroni cheese, red velvet cake and Cadbury Crunchie ice cream.

I hear voices, I can't trust my own thoughts.
I believe people want to hurt me, people put thoughts into my head. This has been going on since I was sixteen.
I try my best to distract myself but everything overwhelms me at times. I am constantly scared and don't trust anyone I don't know.

Thank you for reading. And to my future self, this is where you were at. Now see how far you've come.

Hallelujah! And fuzz-free armpits

I have just got back from a walk down the hill. While I was there I got my armpits waxed. Not sure you need to know this? Skip ahead to paragraph 2. I was dreading it because the last time any wax made it to within close proximity of my armpits it was so horrific I bled. I was in the PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit- secure) and I wasn't allowed a razor. My BFF brought some of those home wax strips and as I said before, it was horrific. My friend still feels bad for that. In the end I had one hairy armpit and another that had a hairless streak through it. This time, however, I had it done professionally and it was so much better than I thought it would be. It was more expensive than going to soul to sole in hampden park. But I have to make the most of what I've got around me.

Welcome back to those who skipped paragraph one! When I got back from my walk up the hill, I got back onto the ward to find one of the peer support workers strumming the guitar to the tune of hallelujah. Now, that doesn't sound very significant, but listen on.... I listen to music about 99% of the time and it just so happened that at the precise moment if getting back onto the ward, I had hallelujah (the shrek soundtrack version) on shuffle. In short, it freaked me out to the extent that I had to take some olanzepine because its hard to fight the thoughts that it wasn't just a coincidence. I am 75% sure that it's a secret message for me. It just seems too improbable that it was merely a coincidental event and seems more like the voices asserting themselves by suggesting that they are watching me.

The bf is coming later. I wish I had purchased a gift for him while I was at the shops but there was nothing suitable. I could have bought him some cookies but there is no way I could be trusted alone with them for the next 2 1/2 hours. Not in conjunction with the clozapine munchies. I have three hours unaccompanied section 17 leave that I can use tomorrow with the bf. I have no idea what we can do in that time because I don't really know this area very well. I know for sure we can't go to the pub due to the extortionate prices - £4.60 for a white coffee and a tea. And you should have seen how tiny they were.

I think I'm going to make a "benchmark post" later just so all my lovely readers can get a look at where I'm at in myself and it will also be there for me to look back on in the future to see how far I've come.

The key to being on clozapine...

...and staying awake. What the hell is it? The answer eludes me.

Last night, the voices were really bad and I couldn't sleep despite taking several sedatives as well a my night time dose of clozapine (still at 50mg). I finally got to sleep at about 3.

When I was woken up for breakfast I was incredibly hungover. If you've ever taken sedatives or sleeping tablets at night then I think you'll be aware of how groggy you feel in the morning. In fact, I was so sleepy and fizzy that I had to leave some if my muesli and go back to bed. When I finally did get my pre-clozapine observations done, my blood pressure was about 100/60. So quite low for me.

Anyway, I decided, because I was so sleepy that I would set an alarm to wake me up after an hours' nap. Damn that snooze button. I finally rolled out of bed to get dressed just in time for lunch. And guess what I did after lunch? Went back to my bed and fell asleep until half 2.

Since then I haven't really woken up despite drinking copious amounts if caffeinated fizzy drinks (all the coffee is decaf here- unhappy face). I did manage to stumble down to the shops down the hill for my hour. I bought shed loads of magazines. Ok, well only four. I also booked an armpit wax which I'm doing tomorrow at 3.

My plan now is: way more dr pepper zero then attempt some Pilates.

That's all for now.

Feelin' blue nails

I've had a wonderful day. Not only did I get my unaccompanied leave but my best friend (chief bridesmaid) came and stayed from about half two until seven.

She is doing the alterations on my wedding dress. At the moment it is way too long and ill trip over it but its being sorted. And I got to try it on. I started from the corner of my room and advanced towards the door to a sound clip of "here comes the bride" on my BFFs phone. It really hit home how close we are.

And I still don't even know if I'll even make the day. I had a very frustrating ward round where they basically said my mental health is more important than the wedding in 22 days. And that if things don't go well, I'll miss it. I can't miss it. We stand to lose a lot of money if we have to cancel. I'm hoping everything will be ok.

Oh and I managed to swing some leave with my BFF down to the co-op. By claiming she was "my sister for the purpose of the mental health act." So exercise wise I've walked for about an hour.

I didn't get long with the bf today. Maybe it was better because it means I don't feel so bad seeing him go. We are going to video chat later. His next visit is Friday.

I painted my nails blue... Just felt like it.

The dawn of the unaccompanied leave era

So as the title suggests, I have been given unaccompanied leave. I have used it to go to the supermarket down the road where I discovered a great thing:

Pepsi max, usually £2.25 a bottle, now on offer for 2 for £2.

Simple things.

Some Pre-dinner disappointments

After yesterday's Pilates, I really wanted to carry on my exercise today. Even if it was just a walk down the hill and back up.

No staff.

Apparently the charge nurse asked the consultant if I could have unaccompanied leave to go there. No one has got back to me and seeing as it is now quarter past five, I imagine I'm not going anywhere right now.

I have my ward round tomorrow anyway so I can add leave to my long list of things I need to bring to the table.

Seeing as I can't go for a walk tonight, I will try another Pilates workout at about 7 tonight. That should leave long enough for my dinner to settle. I am so hungry.

It could be worse. I managed to get a prescription for lactulose (sp?) so hopefully it will work and everything wil be ok.

Like a kick to the stomach

Ermahgerd ther penn! (Read: oh my god the pain- I've spent way too much time around the interwebs). And I'm sorry if I'm revealing too much here but I haven't done a dookie for at least 5 days. And it hurts. It is pretty much 100% down to the combined effects of clozapine and mirtazapine. And it hurts. And I've been taking 2 of these foul-tasting salty laxatives drinks (laxido for anyone whose interested) TWICE a day for the last five days. These laxidos are supposedly "orange flavoured sugar free" but taste like that iffy gulp of seawater you take as you swim past Brighton pier two seconds after you've seen a dirty nappy float by. Yes I know someone that's happened to.

There was a bit of an incident regarding medication today. All I really want is to go home. Partly because of the bf. I love his visits but it breaks my heart to see him leave without me. I am devastated to know that he has to go. I totally understand that he can only stay for so long, so often it just hurts.

But, I deviate. I asked the nurses when I could go home and they said not until I've titrated completely onto clozapine. Which is another ten days. I decided that maybe if I stopped clozapine they would let me home sooner as I'm not a risk anymore. After all, it's effects at the moment are limited to extreme constipation, mega munchies and hypersalivation. As of now I have yet to experience much "antipsychotic" effect.

So, anyway, I told the nurse I didn't want to take it anymore. I was quite distressed so I was offered olanzepine in addition to my mirtazapine. I went to my room for half an hour during which time I cried my eyes out. All I want is some relief. Some time where I can just feel safe, normal (whatever that is) and calm. No voices, no strange experiences. Historically the only medication to achieve some progress towards these goals is the clozapine.

Once my cheeks were covered in salty tear residue and the urge to cry had passed, I went back to the clinic for some laxido. And some paracetamol because of the abdominal pain. The nurse convinced me to take the clozapine and I have done. If it makes the difference between staying up all night terrorised by my experiences or a little relief of the unconscious kind then maybe it's a good thing.

I must apologise now for the length of this blog post. It was never intended to be this long but once I got into it, the words just flowed. I feel like I have achieved something in this post, even if it is just the realisation that maybe, just maybe, I need this medication.

Muesli and Pilates...

This is not an April fools' joke! Be on standby for the incredible.

Incredible that I didn't jump straight back into bed following my clozapine.

Incredible that I had a healthy breakfast.

Incredible that, after downloading a book on Pilates to my kindle app last night, I completed a 30 minute workout.

It will definitely be incredible if I can move at all tomorrow.

Clozapine blues (and pinks and greys)

Prologue: "I had no idea what I was going to write in this blog post because, quite honestly, not much has happened. But in the true Alice style, I decided to write about the fact that nothing has really happened. Still with me? Good."

I feel really pants today. Like the clozapine should be doing something. But it isn't. Well, that's not entirely true. I am so tired and hungry and I'm doing serious trouser trumpets. It was funny, I got up for breakfast, had my physical observations done, took the clozapine (25mg today) and decided to have a lie down. I got woken up at 11 by a nursing assistant asking if I wanted to go in the gym. I was still in my pyjamas so I gave it a miss. Damn I wish I had said yes because the next thing I knew, I was waking up at twenty past twelve.

I don't even know if the clozapine is helping because I was still feeling really restless and needed 10mg of olanzepine to help me settle.

Ah! Boom! Something happened. I did art at 2pm. Hence the multicoloured title.

Feeling blue. Need some love :-(

A nice visit, a fillet of unspecified fish and a bottle of cherryade

I had dinner tonight. And do you know what? I'm glad I did. Not just because I'm insanely hungry now thanks to a combination of olanzepine/clozapine, but because I challenged myself. And succeeded.

I was convinced the food was poisoned. I'd only eat things in packets, drink from sealed bottles. However, now I have eaten hospital food for three days and whaddya know- I'm fine. Plus it was delicious. Even though no one knew what kind of fish it was. I'm guessing it wasn't fresh loin of cod, somehow I don't think the NHS can afford fish that can be identified. It's the horse meat scandal all over again... "Goldfish found on psychiatric hospital menu"

The bf visited earlier. It was nice. Him visiting me always makes the days turn out better. We went for a walk to the village. Or whatever it is, it's just a row of shops to me. I bought some cherryade.

This woman in the newsagents bought a stack of porn mags as "an anniversary present" because it was their paper anniversary. All I know is if I wanted to buy a porn mag I'd make several unsuccessful trips to the counter, each time returning only with a curly wurly and a packet of gum. Anyway, who needs a busty blonde centrefold when you've got the Internet? Poor woman though, the cashier shouted across the shop to her colleague about the porn mags. I give the woman at least a seven out of ten for replying (also quite loudly) "if he's lucky I'll watch [the enclosed dvd] with him."

Currently sipping cherry fizz and chewing watermelon flavour gum. Is that 2 of my 5 a day?

How do mathematicians work it out? With a pencil of course!

Today's title comes from the fact that I am bloody constipated from the clozapine. That's how mathematicians solve constipation: with a pencil.

But, just by reading my opening paragraph, you will have realised that I have started the clozapine. Finally 12.5mg last night, 12.5mg this morning.

And after the dose this morning I was a little drowsy. So I set my alarm for a 20 minute nap. Darn you snooze button! My nap lasted a good 2 hours.

The bf and family are visiting today after lunch so that will be nice.

The inbetween hours

What am I supposed to do? I am referring to the hours between dinner which ends at 6pm and night time medication which starts at 9. It's the time of day that confuses the hell out of me.

It's so cold so I've tried getting under the covers. Too early to sleep yet, the dryness of tired eyes eludes me. I'm not in the mood for puzzles or even maths, nothing left to read, the music I'm listening to has been on repeat since the early hours of this morning.

In some ways it is just a feeling that I have something to do but just want to get it out of the way. In my mind, this hurdle is medication time and hopefully the start of the Clozapine epoch. Only then can I go to bed ready to do this all over again tomorrow.

The sensations that accompany my being here are vast and range from silent agitation to a general feeling of unease. At the moment it's agitation that I have to suffer with behind closed doors, in the safety of my room.

Reading this, you may wonder why I choose to suffer in silence. My reasoning is that I don't want to appear demanding to the staff (there's 16 other patients, why me?) and also the staff, at times, can be very judgemental. I have already asked for (and received) 5mg olanzepine. It's not enough to settle me, I just felt pressured into having 5 instead of 10.

Luckily one thing plays in my favour. It's 7:30pm which means the staff have changed shift. The day staff are packing their bags and shuffling one-by-one out of the door as the night staff bring fresh energy to the atmosphere. Now I have no idea what the day staff have told the night staff about me. I don't really care to be honest, but I have a chance at reassurance and possibly a chemical induced relaxation to steady me.

That is if they're not too busy. They usually are though.

Good Friday Pi

Ever wondered what it's like to have a famous stalker? Or even just a follower?
And I know that what I am about to write wobbles on the tightrope separating the chasms of normal and delusional... But I'm being followed by what I reckon to be the worlds 2nd most famous mathematical constant, π, or 3.1415.....
Only beaten by Euler's constant, e. sound wacky? Let me explain more! It's not like I'm walking down the hospital corridor hallucinating giant numbers chasing me. It's to do with how I'm filling my time: sudoku.

Before this week, I had never done a sudoku. Last night I did ten. And each one had the sequence "314" in it. In every single puzzle. Now to any "normal" (and by that I mean not maths-obsessed) that would have no significance. But to me, I see π and therefore notice it more.

I wonder if its a similar phenomenon to the one I experienced when I started learning to drive- I suddenly noticed a lot more learner drivers and L-plates on the road. Maybe because I'm doing maths everyday that my maths "spidey sense" is picking up patterns in things that I would have previously overlooked.

I'm not sure if this is the start of something good or bad. I know it's the start of me seeing my environment, even my whole world from a different angle. Many people ask me why I would want to do a maths degree when it's so hard. My answer is that, yes, it's hard, but I can make sense of it.

It makes more sense to me than my life and as I delve further into the world of summations, differential equations and trigonometry, I slowly understand the real world more.

So for now, my friend π, I'm happy for you to tag along while I rebuild my life.

[insert superlative expletives here]

Like what the actual fandango?!!
Wednesday:
Dr "we can start your clozapine tonight"
NO CLOZAPINE

Today:
Nurse "you're starting the clozapine tonight"
Me "really? Are you sure this time because I don't want to get my hopes up"
Nurse "no it's tonight, the tablets have arrived from the pharmacy"
NO CLOZAPINE

Reason why? Because one of the pharmacists (and I know it's a pharmacist because they're the only ones with green pens) has defaced my prescription chart so that the date I'm supposed to start clozapine isn't legible. Therefore, can't take it tonight. Surely the pharmacist could have written by the side of it the date or at least told a nurse or the doctors the intended start date? Or is that an extra course they have to attend postgraduate to work something like that out?!

Can you tell I'm angry. Me no likey be angry.

Most of all I feel stupid. Very stupid. Since I was told on Wednesday that I could take it that day and it not happening, my anxiety has taken a extreme hike up the steepest side of Mount Everest. Hence I am trying to chemically induce relaxation with 3 different sedatives (olanzapine, lorazepam and mirtazapine). I think a lot of my anxiety came as a result of me actually eating the dinner that the domestics serve up. It tasted like shit and the custard was like yellow water but that's beside the point. The reason why this is such a big deal is because I'm pretty freaked out about the fact that people could be drugging my food in an attempt to harm me. So far I've only eaten packaged foods that are sealed and that I have picked randomly. So this was a big step.

Tomorrows big step will be eating something that has been made especially for me, like toast. I haven't eaten breakfast since I arrived here.

I'm also very anxious about the clozapine and that the tablets are the right ones. I feel like I can't trust the pharmacists at the hospital pharmacy (which is located at a different site). The pills are in one of those old style pill bottles that anyone can tamper with (ie not blister packed). And just a label on them that I'm supposed to believe. Before you say I'm paranoid, I could probably recreate my fear by getting a pill bottle, filling it with tic tacs and then labelling it as a cure for, I don't know, headaches. Or I could swap the tic tacs for street drugs such as MDMA and label them "clozapine tablets 25mg".
Do you see where I'm going with this?

Maybe my paranoia is justified. Maybe it isn't but as Erwin schrödinger postulated, you don't know if the cat is dead or alive until you open the box. (Google "schrödinger's cat" for more info). Until I take the tablets, my paranoia is both justified and wrong at the same time. Once I take the tablet I'll be able to move on.

Well that is, when I finally get to take one.

A rather nice array of knots on a string..

I have just got back from doing a group. It was supposed to be sewing and knitting but I made a bracelet instead. It took me half an hour. That's all I could concentrate for.

I had some olanzepine earlier. The staff are getting used to the fact that it does actually help me rather than denying me relief. And, lo and behold, I managed to have a chat with one of the staff who is my named nurse for today. But really? I can't remember what we talked about. My memory falls short there due to lapses in concentration.

My clozapine has been ORDERED. It should be today then. Apparently it takes 14 days to titrate. I'm hoping it won't be as disastrous as last time in eastbourne. I think the best way to think about it is to see it as a small wall to overcome through the assault course that is my life.

Morning all!

Well today is the day I've been told I'll start clozapine. And if I don't, well they will have to sort something out because my injection "runs out" today. Not that it ever did a damn thing anyway.

I had a panini for breakfast today. Mozzarella, tomato and pesto. It was amazing. I was so hungry. I think it's because I have been taking olanzepine at about 20mg per day for about a week. I suppose I'll have to get used to the munchies because they are a nuisance on clozapine. I gained about 3 stone while I was on it last time.

I'm also dreading having to get up tomorrow morning to take my medication. I know it's something I'm going to have to do but it's hard to find any sort of routine in this place.

My routine changes every day. For instance, yesterday I had a bath, did some maths, had a sandwich and read a magazine. That was pretty much my day.
Today I got up later and had breakfast. I don't like change all that much. This place is so far removed from the tranquility and routine of home. Most of all, I miss baking and cooking. And cuddles with the furry little creatures that call themselves pets.
Oh how I pine for home.

Bugger that

So, another promise from the staff broken. No clozapine turned up tonight.

I reckon there aren't enough staff on the ward tonight. There's only 3 for 17 patients. Since the night shift came on, no one has been available for anything. I had to wait 2 hours to have my phone out of the office and it looks like meds are going to be late. I'm fully aware that I'm not the only patient here but seriously they need more staff. I know it's trivial, but the hot chocolate hasn't been made which is upsetting other patients. I personally don't drink it but its a small thing that means a lot to some patients.

And my routine is buggered even more than usual. At home I take my night medication at 7 or just after. Yesterday I took it at 9 and today it looks like it will be even later.

Also, not one single member of staff has bothered to ask me how I am today. These people are supposedly writing notes which could be used for legal purposes saying how I am. How the heck can they write how I am if they never even speak to me. It almost seems like someone has told them to ignore me or something. I know I spend a lot of time in my room but it would be nice for them to pop their head in and ask me if I'm ok instead of just ticking a box on a clipboard to say I'm on the ward. I swear, my conversations with the staff go something like this:
"Please can you put my phone on charge"
*silence*
Later.... "Please can I have my phone back?"
*silence*
Later still... "Please can you put my iPod..." I think you can see where this is going.

I don't know what I can do to encourage the staff to help me. Heck, they shouldn't need encouraging. My care plan (when I saw it) had paragraphs about another patient on it.

I give up tonight. Perhaps the odds will be in my favour tomorrow?

Sooner than before

I have seen the doctor (second time in 2 days, couldn't work that out... Wait ages and 2 appointments come along at once). My blood test results have come back clear so on to the next test... An ECG. But I'm going to have to go to the medical hospital to have it done by the sound of it. I don't think there's a machine here to do it with. And all being well, I should start the clozapine TONIGHT! I just hope they titrate it slower than they tried to in eastbourne.

And I found out that I probably won't be going back to eastbourne hospital because I have a complaint outstanding against them. I really hope that once I'm on the clozapine that I never have to be in hospital again. I don't think I could handle the thought of another admission.

This morning I had a bath and I also did an hour of maths study. I learned about arithmetical progressions and answered all the practice questions correctly, even the couple that looked nasty. I love maths.

I don't know what time I'm going for my ECG, guess I will just have to wait.

But fingers crossed for clozapine tonight.

Ah well I tried...

I spoke to the doctor finally at about 3pm. It felt much like a job interview. But the outcome is that apparently I'm not well enough to come home yet. I'm disappointed. But I'll deal with it- I always do.

I had a blood test today and should be starting clozapine the day after tomorrow (Thursday). I'm slightly scared of going back on the clozapine because when I was in eastbourne hospital they really buggered it up and I had to stop. I know if they do it slower it will be better. I've done some reading on google and it takes about 21 days to go from 0 to 300mg.

I just hope that I will be out in time for the wedding on April 26th. I know I'll be here on my birthday but that can't be helped. Like I said, I'll deal with it.

Over and out

Unfair on me perhaps

The doctor never came. After promising three different people that he would. He appeared on the ward at about 4:15pm and when I went to the office they told me he had gone home.

I figured why they planned this, they want to test me. I didn't ask for pills all day, even though I needed them, they just want me to react in a way that would "confirm" to them that I have a personality disorder. I'm not going to give them the pleasure of a reaction and instead I am going to sit quietly in my room like I normally do and read a magazine.

So, more than 24 hours since I was told I could see the doctor, I'm still waiting.

Still waiting but feeling gushy

I don't know what time I made my last post but I reckon it was about ten in the morning. At 10:05 am I asked when I would see the doctor and I was told that there were 3 people in the queue ahead of me. It is now half two and I am still waiting. Grr. I have also just found out that I won't be able to start the clozapine until at least Thursday because there has to have been 2 weeks since my last injection, which was 14/03/2013.

The voices are bad today and I'm scared but I managed to eat a bacon and Brie sandwich after not eating for 36 hours. It was nice and tasty. I don't want to tell the staff much about how I'm feeling because they are already behaving strangely towards me. I don't know who reads this blog anyway. (Maybe if you read this you could comment...)

One of the nurses told my bf yesterday that they think I hear voices in the context of a personality disorder. However, my doctor in eastbourne says that the "personality elements" are only present as behavioural issues when I'm not well and that the voices fit the pattern of a schizoaffective disorder. I think that my doctor has spoken to the doctor here about it but obviously that hasn't passed down to the nurses yet. I'm happy that the eastbourne team "get me" and don't just think I'm an attention seeking stroppy teenager.

While I've been waiting for the doctor I have really been thinking about what's good in my life such as the bf, our future together and my animals. I miss my bunnies so much and can't wait to give them a cuddle and I suspect that Oscar the kitten has missed me too

Anyway, waiting, still waiting.

I want to go home

Ok so I really want to go home now. I don't feel suicidal anymore. Honest.
I want to be at home because I have better coping strategies there. Here, I have nothing apart from my music and that doesn't work forever.

At least at home I can knit, crochet, work through differential equations, go for walks and most importantly cuddle my animals. Plus I have this huge desire to bake up a macaroni cheese with extra mustard. I'm so hungry.

And it's not just me, the bf is happy for me to come home too. I just hope the doctors agree. I am more than happy to go back on a CTO and agree to the conditions. I don't really want to be titrated on to clozapine here, I'd prefer it in eastbourne. I just feel I'd be better at home until a bed becomes available in eastbourne.

At the end of the day it's up to the consultant psychiatrist. The bf phoned up earlier to express his opinions on the matter and although I didn't hear that conversation, I know leave was mentioned. Thing is, I'm so far away from home here it would take about 2 hours 15 minutes to get home and cost £25 each way if you include both taxi and train fares. I just don't have that sort if money.

The crisis is over. Now I just have to wait to see the doctor

Nice sleep

Just woke up about 20 minutes ago. I had a really nice sleep. That might have been due to the doctor finally getting around to prescribing the antidepressant that I was supposed to be taking. They didn't believe me at first until the bf brought in the box with the pills in.

It's breakfast time, well at least it was until about 2 minutes ago.  I'm not sure why I'm not really eating. Part of it is that I'm scared that there will be bio toxins in my food so i'll only eat packaged food and the other part is I'm just not that hungry. But I can't decide which reason dominates.

Looks like some of the nurses working today aren't the nicest people. I haven't seen all of them who are working today but there is one member of staff here who will do anything to cause me suffering. He's accused me of lying as well. I will have to avoid him. I'm sure of his origin.

All alone today. No plans.

23rd March

Today is a Saturday. I hope it will be ok. So far I took some prn olanzepine and talked to a nurse. I am still upset from yesterday when I was restrained and one of the nurses said "she's only behaving like this so she can have an injection".  I am so upset by that. An injection would have been the last thing I wanted. I wasn't even offered oral medication. I take it from this that they think I am doing this deliberately. But the reality is that I'm scared out of my wits to the point where I became so agitated that I tried to leave. I was so frightened and to hear that they think I'm doing it for attention makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel so alone here. And I've already been accused of being a pathetic liar by one of the nurses. I just feel like I'm just going to get worse here. They want to get me transferred to eastbourne. Not because it's my local hospital but because they think I'm lying about everything.

I have to stop writing now because I'm too upset.

Confusion and frustration

Just woken up. At 6:50pm. Got given another injection of something. I tried to leave and they restrained me. They held me down on the floor in uncomfortable positions. One of the nurses said "she's only doing this to get an injection". I was so scared. They never even offered me oral medication either.  Then I slept for ages.

I've been put on a section 3 from my CTO because I saw the social worker today. She actually listened to me. I felt like she could help. But in reality she couldn't do anything. She just filled in the paperwork and left.

I am 100% sure that the staff here do not believe me or the distress I'm in. I am so upset that they haven't made an effort to try to help me. I ask them for help and they ask what do I want. All I want is help in coping with being tortured. If I knew what help I needed I would bloody ask for it. Never the less, I have appealed against my section. It will be six weeks until a tribunal comes up. Six weeks of being stuck in here with people who say I'm lying all the time.

An few examples of them not believing me:
They said I had been issued with a notice of recall. I hadn't. They called me a liar. They then told me I had been offered it but had refused it. And then they threw in another liar. Truth is, I demanded a copy of this information and when I saw it it was obvious I had never seen it before in my life.
I was told I needed a blood test. I said no. They said why. I said because I had one yesterday. They didn't believe me and spent the next five minutes with "you really need this blood test". Eventually I showed them the sticky marks from the plaster and the puncture wound.

If the don't believe these things then how will they believe anything else? I don't understand why they think I am not telling the truth because I have nothing to gain from lying to them.

In other news, after the blood test fiasco they have sent the results off and they are due back in the immediate future (ie next 10 or so minutes). I have been told that a duty doctor will come and see me. I'm not sure exactly what they want but there might be a slight chance of me starting clozapine tonight. Who knows.

Help! I need somebody!

The title is in reference to the Beatles song. It's in my head so I thought it would be appropriate to use it bearing in mind the direction of this post.

Basically I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I feel like I am being tortured, overwhelmed by thoughts, voices and fear. But I don't know how to convey how bad it is to the staff here. It's like they listen but don't want to help. They don't know the full story and they don't know the intensity of what I'm going through. How the hell do I tell them. I don't even feel able to go up and talk to the staff. I went and asked someone five minutes ago but they are currently doing medication so they will see me after (so they say).  If they don't come, I probably won't feel able to go and ask again. I just don't trust anyone.

A nurse yesterday said if I don't talk to them they can't help me. I guess that's true but it's hard. I'm not worthy of their time.

I had a bath and washed my hair today and got some clean clothes.

Past Midnight Post

It's currently 1:35am and I am still not asleep. So far today I have taken 25mg olanzepine and 5mg lorazepam, both over their recommended does by 25%.

So why, in all that's cute and fluffy, am I still awake?  Grrr bloody insomnia. But a lot of it is me feeling so scared that I can't sleep but also when I try to relax it feels like there are bedbugs crawling all over me. When I turn on the light and look, there's nothing there. By this point I'm in a drug induced semi coma all that's keeping me awake are my thoughts and this skin crawling sensation.
My eyes are burning with desire for sleep.

I guess I'm not going to be able to sleep whilst on here so if you don't mind I'm going to take a break.

It's coming to the night of my second day here. The bf visited with his family and brought much needed supplies. I haven't eaten since Monday. I'm too scared to in case the food has toxins in it. I only take sips of the water in case they are contaminating that too.

I have spoken with one if the nurses on the night shift with the bf present and apparently I have been "recalled". The team here needs to contact the team in eastbourne to decide whether they want to let the CTO lapse or they could revoke it (which would mean going onto a section 3). I am being "held" for 72 hours from yesterday and the teams have the remaining time to decide to revoke or let it lapse. If they decide to let it lapse, I can walk out of here.

So far only 2 staff members have offered me any chance to talk. One, this morning, we talked for five minutes and then she promised to come back later after she had been called away. She never came back. The nurse who is on the night shift has said she will talk to me after she has finished the medications. We will see if that happens. However she does seem really nice and that she cares.

I can't really cope with this right now. I just want to be at home. I'm dreading that ill be sent back to eastbourne dop because last time I was there they neglected and psychologically abused me.

Post Number One

This is my first post on this blog. I decided I needed a space to write about my experiences and I have a strange thing about writing in diaries.

I suppose a good way to start is to describe the situation now. Well, I'm Alice, I'm almost 24 and will be getting married next month. Oh another thing; I have schizoaffective disorder and I'm currently in hospital. Things are not good.

The bf (soon to be husband) had phoned the community mental health team who told us to go to A&E. A few people at this hospital have said that I went voluntarily to A&E but the actual truth is I didn't want to go there. We arrived at 6pm and finally got out at 3am. That's when the journey to Worthing began. There were no beds anywhere else. I saw loads of doctors and was initially on eyesight observations. During the night, the nurse who was supposed to be watching me fell asleep.

I came in as a voluntary patient, even though I'm subject to a community treatment order. So I thought, at 2pm yesterday afternoon that I would be allowed to leave seeing as they can't detain me. But they said they could. I don't believe they can but they still restrained me and jabbed me with something. I don't know what medicine they gave me but I slept pretty much from 3pm-6am this morning. So I'm guessing it was olanzepine or something.

This morning I woke up and not much had changed. The voices are terrible, I am so scared, I feel like my life is in danger. I've been crying all morning really. I've had 10mg olanzepine and 2mg lorazepam literally 30 minutes ago. This is to add to the 5mg olanzepine and 1mg lorazepam that I had earlier. So chances are ill be in a coma later.

I'm too scared to eat the food here and I'm happy that the nurses aren't pushing me to.

I have no idea what my legal status is in that I got detained under section 5.4 yesterday and no one has mentioned it today. So am I still informal on a community treatment order or am I actually detained. I don't understand my legal rights :-(


Story: to be continued