[insert superlative expletives here]

Like what the actual fandango?!!
Wednesday:
Dr "we can start your clozapine tonight"
NO CLOZAPINE

Today:
Nurse "you're starting the clozapine tonight"
Me "really? Are you sure this time because I don't want to get my hopes up"
Nurse "no it's tonight, the tablets have arrived from the pharmacy"
NO CLOZAPINE

Reason why? Because one of the pharmacists (and I know it's a pharmacist because they're the only ones with green pens) has defaced my prescription chart so that the date I'm supposed to start clozapine isn't legible. Therefore, can't take it tonight. Surely the pharmacist could have written by the side of it the date or at least told a nurse or the doctors the intended start date? Or is that an extra course they have to attend postgraduate to work something like that out?!

Can you tell I'm angry. Me no likey be angry.

Most of all I feel stupid. Very stupid. Since I was told on Wednesday that I could take it that day and it not happening, my anxiety has taken a extreme hike up the steepest side of Mount Everest. Hence I am trying to chemically induce relaxation with 3 different sedatives (olanzapine, lorazepam and mirtazapine). I think a lot of my anxiety came as a result of me actually eating the dinner that the domestics serve up. It tasted like shit and the custard was like yellow water but that's beside the point. The reason why this is such a big deal is because I'm pretty freaked out about the fact that people could be drugging my food in an attempt to harm me. So far I've only eaten packaged foods that are sealed and that I have picked randomly. So this was a big step.

Tomorrows big step will be eating something that has been made especially for me, like toast. I haven't eaten breakfast since I arrived here.

I'm also very anxious about the clozapine and that the tablets are the right ones. I feel like I can't trust the pharmacists at the hospital pharmacy (which is located at a different site). The pills are in one of those old style pill bottles that anyone can tamper with (ie not blister packed). And just a label on them that I'm supposed to believe. Before you say I'm paranoid, I could probably recreate my fear by getting a pill bottle, filling it with tic tacs and then labelling it as a cure for, I don't know, headaches. Or I could swap the tic tacs for street drugs such as MDMA and label them "clozapine tablets 25mg".
Do you see where I'm going with this?

Maybe my paranoia is justified. Maybe it isn't but as Erwin schrödinger postulated, you don't know if the cat is dead or alive until you open the box. (Google "schrödinger's cat" for more info). Until I take the tablets, my paranoia is both justified and wrong at the same time. Once I take the tablet I'll be able to move on.

Well that is, when I finally get to take one.