What am I supposed to do? I am referring to the hours between dinner which ends at 6pm and night time medication which starts at 9. It's the time of day that confuses the hell out of me.
It's so cold so I've tried getting under the covers. Too early to sleep yet, the dryness of tired eyes eludes me. I'm not in the mood for puzzles or even maths, nothing left to read, the music I'm listening to has been on repeat since the early hours of this morning.
In some ways it is just a feeling that I have something to do but just want to get it out of the way. In my mind, this hurdle is medication time and hopefully the start of the Clozapine epoch. Only then can I go to bed ready to do this all over again tomorrow.
The sensations that accompany my being here are vast and range from silent agitation to a general feeling of unease. At the moment it's agitation that I have to suffer with behind closed doors, in the safety of my room.
Reading this, you may wonder why I choose to suffer in silence. My reasoning is that I don't want to appear demanding to the staff (there's 16 other patients, why me?) and also the staff, at times, can be very judgemental. I have already asked for (and received) 5mg olanzepine. It's not enough to settle me, I just felt pressured into having 5 instead of 10.
Luckily one thing plays in my favour. It's 7:30pm which means the staff have changed shift. The day staff are packing their bags and shuffling one-by-one out of the door as the night staff bring fresh energy to the atmosphere. Now I have no idea what the day staff have told the night staff about me. I don't really care to be honest, but I have a chance at reassurance and possibly a chemical induced relaxation to steady me.
That is if they're not too busy. They usually are though.
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